At the beginning of 2024 I set the intention of creating regular posts here — if not monthly, then at least bimonthly. I got into a routine of posting regularly in 2023 and was determined to continue the momentum.
I have failed miserably.
I am very good at setting intentions. I’m the Countess of Want To, the Queen of Will Do. And the Master of Seldom Follow Through. I used to attribute this to laziness and assorted other character flaws until I was diagnosed AuDHD (autistic + ADHD) last year. Now I know my inability to stay on top of this blog is due to ‘fun’ traits like executive functioning challenges, uneven productivity, demand avoidance, and autistic burnout.
I thought I’d throw in this post not an excuse, but an explanation. And a therapeutic exercise to help me let go of nagging guilt.
AuDHD Reasons Why I Fail to Write Blog Posts Even When I Want to or Know I Should:
- I forget. The idea pops into my head, then disappears and doesn’t resurface for days, weeks, even months.
- I don’t know how to get started. Transitions are tricky sometimes.
- I’m afraid I won’t be as eloquent as I want to be/think I should be. I used to write for a living as a journalist. Writing has always been a key part of my identity. The perfectionist in me judges me very harshly.
- I know I won’t be as eloquent as I want to be/think I should be, due to autistic burnout. Skills regression is, sadly, a very real phenomenon of autistic burnout. It affects my vocabulary command and ability to translate thoughts into sentences.
- I don’t have the energy and/or focus. Uneven productivity can be a hallmark of autism and ADHD. Sometimes I have the energy of a border collie and the focus of a honey bee. Sometimes I have the energy of a sloth and and the focus of a fruit fly. Sometimes I’m all those thing in the same day.
- I’m not interested enough at the time. Having an interest-based nervous system means it’s easy to hyper-fixate on whatever catches my brain’s attention…and hard to force myself to do anything other than that thing.